Matthew: I have a question for you real quick. What did you think of my demo? Did you get it?
Aldous Snow: I was gonna listen to that, but then, um, I just carried on living my life.
Brian: You don’t need to put your P in a V right now.
Peter Bretter: No, I need to B my L on someone’s T’s.
Surfing Instructor: Come on out. Oh, the weather outside is weather…
Surfing Instructor: When life gives you lemons, just say ‘Fuck the lemons,’ and bail.
Matthew: Oh ok, I’ll just go fuck myself then.
Darald: God put our mouths on our head for a reason. No!
Peter Bretter: Maybe this is a sign from God that I should forget her.
Darald: Maybe this is a sign that you should be *with* her. I love her show. When they mix the sexuality and the violence, I like it.
Surfing Instructor: You sound like you’re from London!
Surfing Instructor: I like her red hair. I wonder if the carpet matches her pubes.
Peter Bretter: You shall not pass!
Kemo: Are those sad tissues or happy tissues?
Matthew: I just went from six to midnight.
Model: [very unenthusiastically, while having sex with Peter] Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. I just came. Uh. Uh. Uh.
Surfing Instructor: If you get bitten by a shark, you’re not just gonna give up surfing, are you?
Peter Bretter: …yeah, probably
Surfing Instructor: There’s only one cure for pain like that.
Peter Bretter: What?
Surfing Instructor: Weed. Ya got any?
Peter Bretter: No.
Surfing Instructor: Well then let’s just go surfing!
Sarah Marshall: Remember how we thought the killer masturbated before commiting his crimes?
Detective Hunter Rush: Yes?
Sarah Marshall: Take a look…
Detective Hunter Rush: …Looks like where he’s going he’ll need to know how to masturbate.
Peter Bretter: [flexing flabby pecs in mirror] Good for you Peter, good for you.
Peter Bretter: I wanna stand up before I leave.
Surfing Instructor: I don’t think you’re ready, man.
Peter Bretter: I’m ready to ride fucking giants, Kunu.
Surfing Instructor: I think you’re ready.
Surfing Instructor: Aloha, man. My name’s Kunu.
Peter Bretter: I know, we met duing the surf lesson!
Surfing Instructor: Oh right, you’re that guy who works for Kaiser Permanente!
Peter Bretter: No, I’m Peter! We had a really nice talk out on the water!
Surfing Instructor: Oh.
[pause]
Surfing Instructor: Coooool.
Surfing Instructor: I once saw him beat a guy up with a starfish!
Peter Bretter: That’s ridiculous.
Surfing Instructor: That guy was me.
Peter Bretter: Oh, if they were Sean Jean sweatpants it would be no problem, but because they were Costco brand, it’s the worst thing I could do.
Sarah Marshall: Seemingly, the only actresses that can survive are the ones that show their cooter and I refuse to that. Excuse me, but I have a little dignity.
Peter Bretter: How are things going with the lady?
Darald: Not awesome. She’s complicated, like the Da Vinci Code, except harder to crack.
Darald: What’s the state fish of Hawaii?
Dwayne the Bartender: The Humuhumunukunukuapua’a. Yeah, bitch!
Sarah Marshall: I need you to get hard, Pete.
Peter Bretter: I know what I’m supposed to do.
Sarah Marshall: [lifts up the sheet] What do you think, Rush?
Detective Hunter Rush: [cringes] It’s going to be hard for her to reenter the pageant… without a face.
Darald: You have Christ between your thighs… only with a shorter beard.
Dwayne the Bartender: Snuffleupagous fucks my shit up!
Dwayne the Bartender: Why won’t anybody go snorkeling with me?
Aldous Snow: [after spilling red wine on his shirt] Oh God, please take my eyes, but not the shirt!
Dwayne the Bartender: He turned down a blow job from his ex-girlfriend… mid-blowjob. You know how hard that is for a man? It’s called blue balls. He’s like Gandhi! But better – he likes puppets!
Aldous Snow: Look at my limo driver… I’m going to have sex with her! alright!
Darald: Let me just say that if God was a city planner he would not put a playground next to a sewage system!
Peter Bretter: You’re like one of those women from Flavor of Love. ‘I’m gonna kill you’
Darald: Off to find the mythical clitoris!
Gag Me Girl: Hi.
Peter Bretter: Hi.
Gag Me Girl: Hi.
Peter Bretter: Hi.
Gag Me Girl: Hi.
Peter Bretter: Can you stop doing that?
Gag Me Girl: Do you want to gag me?
Peter Bretter: You brought a gag?
Gag Me Girl: Yeah, and handcuffs. So do you wanna gag me?
Peter Bretter: Well, I kinda want to now.
Aldous Snow: I mean, I’ve heard that women do fake orgasms, but I’ve never seen it… It really, deeply upset me.
Aldous Snow: Yeah, I had a girl cheat on me once, with both Liam Gallagher and Noel Gallagher.
Sarah Marshall: Do you want to put some clothes on!
Peter Bretter: Oh, would you like to pick out the outfit that you break up with me in!
Surfing Instructor: I’m going to give you a Hawaiian name…Peepyopee!
Peter Bretter: Is she coming this way?
Rachel Jansen: Yep.
Peter Bretter: I wish I wasn’t wearing this fucking shirt.
Sarah Marshall: What are you doing here?
Peter Bretter: I’ve come here to kill you!
[laughs]
Sarah Marshall: I hate your music.
Aldous Snow: Yeah well, I fucked the housekeeper the other day.
Aldous Snow: How you served five years under her, I don’t know. You deserve a medal, or a holiday or at least a cuddle from somebody